I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
