I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
