Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
