What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
