the day after is always just damage control
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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