I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
