I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
