Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
