eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
