dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
