On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
