If that was your dad, he is hot
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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