2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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