Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
it glows. i had to have it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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