I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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