So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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