Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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