You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
