NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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