im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
