All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
