Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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