i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
