I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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