He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
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If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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