I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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