my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
