Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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