I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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