Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
