You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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