Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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