Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more