i'm signing you up for texting rehab
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.