Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
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I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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