So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.