So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
