No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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