Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
