just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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