My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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