oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Randomize
