The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
