hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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