I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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