I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
