Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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