Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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