I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
