dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
