You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
