i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
