I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
