Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
