dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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