Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
