I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
