We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
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im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
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You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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